22

At the hockey game, I was text messaging C. This took place while I was terribly afraid of water.

Me: Omg. We're getting our asses handed to us on a platter.
C: That's no bueno. Go fuck a bitch up!
Me: I will. ON ICE!
C: Lol. Ice is just another form of water. You know that, right?
Me: :(

21

Operator: 911. What's the emergency?
Me: Uh yeah. Someone just ran off the road on *intersection.*
Op: Can you say that again?
Me: Yeah... someone just ran off the roa-
Op: Please calm down.
Me: I... What?
Op: Ok... hold on.
Me: Did you seriously just put me on hold?
--On hold--
Me, as I was getting out of the truck: Dude, 911 just put me on fucking hold!

20

H: Hey. I have an interesting favor to ask...
Me: Oh?
H: I need hickeys. A couple good ones for practical joke purposes.
Me: ... wat?

19

"Did I ever tell you about the time a squirrel hit me?"

18

Dan: "I knew her uncle was drunk when he asked me what type of underwear I was wearing, and I knew I was getting close when I told him."

17

Kasea: And I want a drug that will last throughout the pregnancy AND 18 years after, thanks.
Delos: Clearly that drug is called the joy that only a child can bring, Kasea.

16

While looking, and failing, for a pizza ad.

J: That's a KFC ad...
D: What? No. There's a shit load of pizza ads under that bong.