Being PC is Overrated

K: "These ladies have big legs, and hindquarters, like a quarter horse. Woo sprinting!"
J: "It's okay. You can just say they're fat."

23: Don't Ever Not Expect Anything in Castro

Me: Oh shit! I thought that was a girl.
B: That's what you call a gaysian.

22

At the hockey game, I was text messaging C. This took place while I was terribly afraid of water.

Me: Omg. We're getting our asses handed to us on a platter.
C: That's no bueno. Go fuck a bitch up!
Me: I will. ON ICE!
C: Lol. Ice is just another form of water. You know that, right?
Me: :(

21

Operator: 911. What's the emergency?
Me: Uh yeah. Someone just ran off the road on *intersection.*
Op: Can you say that again?
Me: Yeah... someone just ran off the roa-
Op: Please calm down.
Me: I... What?
Op: Ok... hold on.
Me: Did you seriously just put me on hold?
--On hold--
Me, as I was getting out of the truck: Dude, 911 just put me on fucking hold!

20

H: Hey. I have an interesting favor to ask...
Me: Oh?
H: I need hickeys. A couple good ones for practical joke purposes.
Me: ... wat?

19

"Did I ever tell you about the time a squirrel hit me?"

18

Dan: "I knew her uncle was drunk when he asked me what type of underwear I was wearing, and I knew I was getting close when I told him."

17

Kasea: And I want a drug that will last throughout the pregnancy AND 18 years after, thanks.
Delos: Clearly that drug is called the joy that only a child can bring, Kasea.

16

While looking, and failing, for a pizza ad.

J: That's a KFC ad...
D: What? No. There's a shit load of pizza ads under that bong.

15

Me: I'm fried. Pay no attention to me.
Delos: like, you've been dipped in boiling oil or what?
Me: mhm
Delos: can you come over so I can eat you then? I'm really hungry.
Me: haha. Dirty.
Delos: yummy

14

"Look what you've done. You've gone and gotten an eating disorder and now we can't let you throw up like a normal drunk."

13

JBo: "You know, for all of the sucking that's been going on in the world, I should be getting more blow jobs."

12

Background: One of my friends came out of the closet, mom is in denial about it.

C to his mom: "It's hard to believe that you didn't know. I played with My Little Ponies and Barbies..."

11

Jbo: Don't tell them the truth. It's kind of a turn off.
Me: I'll just say I fell off a horse.
T: On your--
Me: YES!

10

JBo: Well I may go upstairs.
Me: It's 9 o'clock!
JBo: I didn't say I was going to bed.

9

"Well, you're tired because you're depressed and you're depressed because you haven't seen me. The soreness is from all the porn shoots."

8

"So, if your dad's name is Todd and you have to say his name twice to get his attention, does that make him a re-Todd?"

7

"The TV, laptop, and goldfish bowl are the few places I can think of where we haven't fucked."

6

"She can drop me off and I can rape you."

5

Me: So you're pulling out of the race!?!?
Coach: ... I don't pull out.

4

Ria: Munchkin, we didn't talk for a long time.
Me: Oh god.. I'm a terrible sister.
Ria: No, no. Not worse than me.
Me: You're only half a bad sister. You're only half a woman!

3

Ria: Oh boy... I'd have stories to tell.
Me: I know! I'm trying to remember back to 2005 and Niko.
Ria: Yeah, so there was this time I was fisted. I felt like a muppet but I didn't really think anything of it at the time.
Me: *Can't stop laughing*
Ria: Then the twins.
Me: Oh I remember them!
Ria: God. They were so hot.
Me: I remember you showing me a picture of one of them, then I thought, 'Hm, if they're identical twins, then there's no point in me asking for the other's picture.'
Ria: Why is it that the cute, little ones are always the ditziest?
Me: How sad is it that you got the looks and I supposedly have the brains.

2

Ria: "Kenya is making a holiday for Obama."
Me: "Hah! No shit?"
Ria: "Yeah. This is world peace, Munchkin. We now have a black president and everyone is singing Kumbaya."
Me: "Damn, son. We should have brought in the niggas a long time ago."
Ria: "We should have known! The key to world peace is black people."

1

J while laughing: "Kasea... KASEA! Why is he walking like that?"
Me: "Uh, that guy?"
J: "Yes."
Me: "....."
J: "Well?"
Me: "Because he's BLIND."
J: "Oh my god!"
Me: "That makes you a horrible person."