19

"Did I ever tell you about the time a squirrel hit me?"

18

Dan: "I knew her uncle was drunk when he asked me what type of underwear I was wearing, and I knew I was getting close when I told him."

17

Kasea: And I want a drug that will last throughout the pregnancy AND 18 years after, thanks.
Delos: Clearly that drug is called the joy that only a child can bring, Kasea.

16

While looking, and failing, for a pizza ad.

J: That's a KFC ad...
D: What? No. There's a shit load of pizza ads under that bong.

15

Me: I'm fried. Pay no attention to me.
Delos: like, you've been dipped in boiling oil or what?
Me: mhm
Delos: can you come over so I can eat you then? I'm really hungry.
Me: haha. Dirty.
Delos: yummy

14

"Look what you've done. You've gone and gotten an eating disorder and now we can't let you throw up like a normal drunk."

13

JBo: "You know, for all of the sucking that's been going on in the world, I should be getting more blow jobs."