Looks Like Dope

"Someone dropped an M&M... or an amphetamine. Looks like dope - you're gonna lose your teeth."

-- Dr. Tamblyn

52

Justine: "How many teeth do we have? 52?"

Kay: "Nooo... that's a deck of cards."

By George!

"By George, I think we've found his perfect match!"

"George had nothing to do with this; it was all me."

Single

"The reason you're single just called."
"Who?"
"Your gay husband."
"Which one?"

Good Looks Only

"I saw you riding with a hottie today. Are you dating him?"

"No. Just a friend."

"Why not? He's hot!"

"Of course he's hot; I'm only friends with good-looking people."

Taken

"I only have room for one lame male in my life, and that position has been taken by my horse."

Add That Smile

‎"A friendship that feels forced is not worth it. Sometimes quitting something IS the positive thing to do. Keep a smile, though."

Text Messages

"Sending a text message can take 5 seconds of your time, but those 5 seconds of your life could mean the world to that person."

The Living... Drink?

"Budweiser: The beer of dead people."

-- Justine Dorman

Beans and Parakeets

"Listening to two Mexican women bicker is like hearing parakeets chat."

Are You Sure it Wasn't a Broom?

"I didn't really wanna say anything, but I'm pretty sure I saw Draco Malfoy driving a Hyundai on 50 this morning."

The Silver Lining

"The only good thing that came from that trip is that there are no pictures of us, so I can use that dress for a different occasion."

Watch Out

"Watch out for that nigga ice."

"That what?"

"It'll be pretty dangerous on those skinny tires on your bike in the winter. Careful."

"Oh, you mean black ice?"

"That's what I said! Nigga ice!"

Guys are Like Magic Straws

"Just like some magic straws will never make a commitment to a chocolate chip, some guys will never make a commitment to a girl."

-- Dr. Meyer

Grow Up

"Grow up. There's no room for the truth on the internet."

Self defense

"I only shave my legs often because if I crash on my bike, I don't want the paramedics to touch hairy legs."

"It could also be like a defense mechanism against rapists... you know, like a porcupine."

She's the Best

"Then hop in that Cannondale and head SW young man and don't stop until you are there. She's simply the best... lady like her won't last long on the open market. I may ride with you if you go to lead the way."

-- @TakeaBike

... Party in the Back?

"You married a man with a mullet? C'mon! Especially a man with a curly mullet?!"

Oh, C'mon!

"I see some people on campus who I want to stop and say 'oh c'mon. You're making it too easy.'"

Moral of the Story

"Shit. I still had my ex as my emergency contact. That's all kinds of bad."

"What did we learn?"

"Never put your SO as your emergency contract; always put your gay best friend."

For Being a Girl...

"You know, for being a girl with a vag, you're kind of a dick."