By George!

"By George, I think we've found his perfect match!"

"George had nothing to do with this; it was all me."

Single

"The reason you're single just called."
"Who?"
"Your gay husband."
"Which one?"

Good Looks Only

"I saw you riding with a hottie today. Are you dating him?"

"No. Just a friend."

"Why not? He's hot!"

"Of course he's hot; I'm only friends with good-looking people."

Taken

"I only have room for one lame male in my life, and that position has been taken by my horse."

Add That Smile

‎"A friendship that feels forced is not worth it. Sometimes quitting something IS the positive thing to do. Keep a smile, though."

Text Messages

"Sending a text message can take 5 seconds of your time, but those 5 seconds of your life could mean the world to that person."

The Living... Drink?

"Budweiser: The beer of dead people."

-- Justine Dorman

Beans and Parakeets

"Listening to two Mexican women bicker is like hearing parakeets chat."

Are You Sure it Wasn't a Broom?

"I didn't really wanna say anything, but I'm pretty sure I saw Draco Malfoy driving a Hyundai on 50 this morning."

The Silver Lining

"The only good thing that came from that trip is that there are no pictures of us, so I can use that dress for a different occasion."

Watch Out

"Watch out for that nigga ice."

"That what?"

"It'll be pretty dangerous on those skinny tires on your bike in the winter. Careful."

"Oh, you mean black ice?"

"That's what I said! Nigga ice!"

Guys are Like Magic Straws

"Just like some magic straws will never make a commitment to a chocolate chip, some guys will never make a commitment to a girl."

-- Dr. Meyer