Beans and Parakeets

"Listening to two Mexican women bicker is like hearing parakeets chat."

Are You Sure it Wasn't a Broom?

"I didn't really wanna say anything, but I'm pretty sure I saw Draco Malfoy driving a Hyundai on 50 this morning."

The Silver Lining

"The only good thing that came from that trip is that there are no pictures of us, so I can use that dress for a different occasion."

Watch Out

"Watch out for that nigga ice."

"That what?"

"It'll be pretty dangerous on those skinny tires on your bike in the winter. Careful."

"Oh, you mean black ice?"

"That's what I said! Nigga ice!"

Guys are Like Magic Straws

"Just like some magic straws will never make a commitment to a chocolate chip, some guys will never make a commitment to a girl."

-- Dr. Meyer

Grow Up

"Grow up. There's no room for the truth on the internet."

Self defense

"I only shave my legs often because if I crash on my bike, I don't want the paramedics to touch hairy legs."

"It could also be like a defense mechanism against rapists... you know, like a porcupine."